THE MAD REVISIONIST
Cogito ergo sum
Revideo ergo non sum
Recently, on alt.revisionism, I found myself engaged in a very disturbing
discussion. It all began with my extensive revisionist expose of
the fake bombing of the German city of Dresden. In response, a Mr.
Daniel Keren thanked me for my scholarship with the following words:
THE MAD REVISIONIST:
We do not exist; we convince. Truth has no need of reality. We invite your
support and submissions.
Thank you, "madrev". If you exist, that is :-).
Though well meant, this response brought up some very pertinent existential
questions that I had to address. A poster who goes by the nym of
He does have a point. The only "proof" of your existence is a bunch
of Usenet posts and a website. I have never actually seen you in person;
so applying revisionist methodology, I must insist that you prove your
existence to me.
True to my word, and to the principle of comprehensive,
uncompromising revisionism, I have therefore engaged in a careful examination
of said matter - namely, my existence - in the hopes of shedding some light
on what must undoubtedly be a difficult and highly emotional topic.
On first approaching the matter, one might think that the most valuable
eyewitness to my existence would be myself. However, in light of
the obvious bias that would be shown by this witness, it would not be out
of line to demand corroboration.
A comprehensive telephone survey of those alleged to have had personal
contact with me revealed stories that were at the same time contradictory
and incomplete. On the matter of my height, for example, alleged
eyewitnesses offered estimates that varied from as low as 5'5" to as high
as 5'9"! On the question of my weight, estimates diverged even more
radically, and a few of those interviewed simply refused to answer, claiming
It is clear, therefore, that unable to tell a consistent story, most
if not all of these witnesses were either lying or somehow coerced into
testifying to my existence.
A cursory examination of the contents of my wallet reveled a document
that one might, at first, imagine would be conclusive in proving my existence:
namely, my birth certificate. However, further research revealed
that this was not, in fact, an original birth certificate, but rather
a copy. In light of the dishonesty shown by the alleged eyewitnesses
in section 1, I found myself justifiably reluctant to simply take it on
faith that this facsimile was authentic.
3) Physical Evidence
The next stage in my research was a thorough survey of documents found
scattered on the floor of my apartment. These revealed numerous letters,
bills, advertisements and even a completed tax return, all addressed to
someone with my name. It turned out, however, that most of those
who had sent these letters and materials to me had never even met me; that
they, in fact, did not have any first-hand evidence of my existence themselves.
How, therefore, can these materials be expected to prove something of which
the very people who produced them were not themselves convinced?
It is the universal revisionist rule that eyewitness and documentary
evidence are worthless unless corroborated by conclusive physical evidence.
It is here that the matter of my existence must be decided. Indeed,
I do sense a physical presence that I would identify as "myself".
However, as I have already mentioned, I could hardly be considered an unbiased
observer, and as the technology currently available does not allow me to
circulate my physical presence over the Internet, this form of evidence
is impossible to corroborate, and therefore can be dismissed as incapable
of conclusively proving my existence.
Although my research is not yet complete, in light of the shocking lack
of reliable eyewitness, documentary and physical evidence, I must conclude
the matter of my existence with the old Scotch verdict: not proven.
But do not fear. I can assure my legion of loyal followers that
this shocking discovery will not hinder my research in the slightest.
For Truth is more important than existence, and I would be remiss if I
allowed my lack of existence to excuse me from exposing the numerous frauds,
hoaxes and conspiracies that afflict our world. And if the Politically
Correct Thought Police make any attempt to use my unfortunate state of
non-entity against me, I will merely expose the hypocrisy they manifest
in preaching equality and multiculturalism while, at the same time, showing
such blatant prejudice and discrimination against the Ontologically Challenged.
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